25 Funn? W??? to Say No (That Are Effective and Respectful)

25 Funn? W??? to Say No (That Are Effective and Respectful) Lif? is r??ll? ???l. W? g? ?ut ?f ?ur w??? t? h?l? others, ??m?tim??, ??m?l?t? ?tr?ng?r?.W? do things f?r others th?t we r??ll? d?n’t w?nt t?.Wh??Ju?t cause w? are nice!“H?? John, could you help m? watch my d?g!”(Th?t w??n’t r??ll? a ?u??ti?n, more lik? J?hn watch m? dog). John hates dogs but b???u?? h?’? r??ll? a ni?? guy, ?nd she’s a really pretty l?d?, John ???? “Sur?”, wh?n wh?t h? r??ll? wanted t? ??? w?? “h?ll no”.W? ?r? in tim?? th?t ?r? b?th blessed and ?ur??d with zilli?n? ?f invit?ti?n? ?nd r??u??t? from friends, family ?nd ?v?n ?tr?ng?r?.H?r? are ??m? other ?x?m?l??: C?n ??u m??t m? for ??ff?? t? h?l? me with my b??k proposal? Will ??u bring a snack t? th? 8th grade ??rt? ?n December 19th? Are you ??ming t? our h?u??w?rming ??rt?? C?n ??u h?l? with m? ??n’? ??ll?g? ???li??ti?n?? D? ??u w?nt to take the kid? t? ??? “Th? Nutcracker” thi? ???r?As mu?h ?? ??u w?uld lik? t? d? ?ll ?f these thing?, you r??ll? ??n’t.When one takes ?n everything th?t ?? m?? his ?r h?r w??, you find th?t ??u start ?t??ing u? late in ?rd?r t? g?t ?v?r?thing done.Th?t might b? good f?r them, but d?finit?l? n?t g??d f?r you and your health.S? Wh? Do W? S?? Y?? So Oft?n When What We R??ll? W?nt T? ??? I? N??P?rt ?f it is that w? ?r? programmed t?. It g??? b??k to our ?hildh??d. Wh?n Mama asked us to d? something, w? were t?ught to ??? ???.L?t?r, our fri?nd? ??k?d us to j?in them, ?nd if ??u w?nt?d t? be lik?d in f?urth gr?d?, you said “?ur?” and r?n t? play ?n th? m?nk?? b?r? with the kids wh? invit?d you.F??t-f?rw?rd fift??n ???r?, and we’re ???ing ??? t? every r??u??t ?t ?ur n?w j?b b???u?? w? w?nt to b? a t??m player, ?ttr??t th? attention of th? boss, ?nd expand our ?kill ??t.S??i?ll?, w? ??? yes b???u?? we d?n’t want t? let people d?wn and ??m?tim?? b???u?? w? feel tr????d. We f??l b?d th?t w?’r? not h?l?ing wh?n P?tt? th? PTA N?zi ???ur?? u? everyone ?l?? i? ?it?hing in th?ir time, m?n??, t?l?nt?, l?b?ur, ?r wh?t?v?r th? ???? m?? b?.We ? l?? ??? ??? b???u?? it’? ???i?r than ???ing n?, and w?’d rather d??l with ?ur n?g?tiv? feelings th?n ?th?r people’s nagging ??mm?nt?, judging ?t?r??, and ????ibl? gossip if w? ??? n? t? th?ir request.S?, are w? d??m?d t? a lif? as ??? m?n or women? I? th?r? a way w? ??n nicely ??? n? with?ut f??ling guilt? ?r g?ining the r??ut?ti?n of “grum?? G?rtrud?” ?r “n?-h?l? Tom”?THR?? W??? TO S?? N? NICELY WITH?UT FEELING GUILT?! Sin?? ???ing No t? ?th?r? i? m??tl? diffi?ult b???u?? of th? guilt th?t ??m?? with it, h?r? ?r? a few w??? to ??? no, whilst m?king sure ??u are n?t f??ling guilt? ?b?ut th? NO ?n?w?r ??u ju?t gave.On? ?ui?k ?x?m?l?, im?gin? ??ur best fri?nd i? in th? h???it?l, ?nd ??u want t? g? vi?it h?r and P?tt? ??ur n?ighb?ur ??k? ??u t? w?t?h h?r d?g for a whil?, ?? ?h? could t?k? a well deserved nap.I don’t think saying NO in thi? situation w?uld ??m? with any f?rm of guilt.In fact, it ?h?uld ??m? with ??m? ?ng?r ?nd ?r?b?bl?, P?tt? w?uld b? the ?n? f??ling gui lty for ?v?n ??king.I. B? Tru? t? Y?ur??lf, Y?ur C?nvi?ti?n?, and Y?ur Priorities. It Elimin?t?? th? GuiltFirst, let’s d??l with the whole guilt thing. We feel guilt? ???ing n? when we d?n’t h?v? a firm gr??? ?n ?ur ?ri?riti?? ?nd ??nvi?ti?n?.Ar? ??u ??mmitt?d to ???nding ?v?ning? with ??ur f?mil??Th?n ??u need to say no wh?n ??k?d t? j?in the ??mmitt?? th?t m??t? ?v?r? Thur?d?? ?v?ning â€" ?????i?ll? ?in?? ??u’r? already g?n? Tuesday ?v?ning? for something ?l??, ?nd ??u ?ft?n h?v? to w?rk l?t? on M?nd???.Ar? you committed t? writing down the three things ??u n??d to do today so th?t ?t th? ?nd ?f th? day you ??n l??k b??k and kn?w that “I ????m?li?h?d wh?t I n??d?d to do”?Then ??u really can’t babysit littl? Timmy ?nd S?ll? even th?ugh th?ir m?m i? in a bind.If you d?, you’ve n?t kept ??ur ?r?mi?? t? yourself. And k???ing promises to yourself i? ??m?thing ??u n??d t? d?. It’? u?u?ll? as im??rt?nt as k???ing th? ?n?? w? make to ?th?r?.Are ??u committed to ??ur n?w ?x ?r?i?? ?nd diet plan?Th?n you n??d t? say n? t? going out with fri?nd? after work b???u?? ??u w?n’t make it t? th? g?m that night.Also, unl??? ??u h?v? the f?rtitud? of a N?v? S??l, ??u’r? going t? eat ??m?thing ??u ?h?uldn’t, or ??u’r? g?ing to sit there f??ling miserable drinking your w?t?r with lime whil? everyone else i? mun?hing on a feast of tapas d?light?.Plus, your ??rt ?f th? tab is g?ing t? b? $30 ?r m?r?, ?nd that doesn’t line u? at ?ll with your goal ?f n?t spending ?? much money on r??t?ur?nt f??d thi? ???r.Wh?n we und?r?t?nd that saying ??? m??n? w? would be ?t?nding on ?l?titud??, but ???ing n? means w?’r? ?t??ing tru? to our priorities ?nd ??nvi?ti?n?, n? b???m?? a lot ???i?r to say, and guilt g??? ?ut the wind?w b???u?? w? r??liz? it’s th? right decision.A? ??m??n? ?n?? ??id, “If ??u’r? ?n g??d t?rm? with yourself, ??u’r? ?n g??d terms with ?th?r?.”That’s ?n? r????n it’s im??rt?nt to ?t?? tru? to your ??nvi?ti?n?; h?w?v?r, there i? a fin? l ine b?tw??n f?ll?wing your convictions ?nd u?ing them ?? an ?x?u?? t? b? ??lf-f??u??d to th? ??int ?f being n? earthly g??d.D?n’t turn down ?v?r? request ?r ????rtunit?.A lot i? g?in?d by ???ing ???. Y?u m??t n?w people, ??u expand your skills, you ?tr?t?h yourself, ?nd ??u giv? your “nice” muscles a g??d w?rk?ut.Al??, if ??m??n? needs h?l?, true help, I think ??u w?nt t? b? th? type ?f ??r??n others kn?w they ??n ??unt ?n.II. S?? No nicely, this w??, ??u w?uldn’t fell ?? guilt?.Think f?r a m?m?nt before giving ??ur ?n?w?r. Y?u n??d to w?igh ??ur ?n?w?r with your ??nvi?ti?n? and ?ri?riti??.Y?u ?l?? d?n’t w?nt to answer so f??t th?t it’? ?bvi?u? th?t n? matter wh?t th? person(s) would ?v?r ??k ??u, ??ur answer would be n?.An?w?ring in a flash will tr?m?l? th?ir ?g? and m?k? it ???m like your n? i? more ?b?ut them ?nd not ?? much ?b?ut th?ir request.While ??u’r? thinking, ??n?id?r your ??nvi?ti?n? and ?ri?riti??, ?nd th?n either ??? ??? or n?.If ??u kn?w wh?t your ?n?w?r i? g?ing to b?, giv? it wh?n ??u’r? asked. D?n’t t?ll them th?t ??u’ll g?t b??k t? them ju?t t? ?ut ?ff saying no.If you’re considering ???ing yes but ??u n??d t? ?h??k ?n ??m?thing fir?t, t?ll th?m th?t ?nd l?t them kn?w wh?n they ??n ?x???t ??ur ?n?w?r.Replying with a firm ?n?w?r within a d?? is the G?ld St?nd?rd.D?n’t wim? out ?nd be v?gu? with your answer t? ?v?id hurting their f??ling?. It raises false h??? f?r th?m, makes you ???m ind??i?iv?, and ?l?w? d?wn th?ir ?r????? of d?t?rmining who is g?ing t? b? h?l?ing.D?n’t ??? thing? th?t ??nd mixed messages lik?, “I b?tt?r n?t, but I want t? b? h?l?ful.”K??? ??ur answers ?h?rt ?nd ?w??t.S??ing n? m?k?? a l?t of us n?rv?u?, ?nd wh?n we’re nervous, w? k??? talking, and talking, ?nd talking. W? ??n’t d? that in thi? ????. It will m?k? it worse.W?’ll dig ?ur own v?rb?l graves ?nd somehow, ??m?w??, w?’ll m?n?g? to ???id?nt?ll? twi?t ?ur n? int? a yes.If ??u ??n give the r??l r????n ??u’r? unable to help (and if it w?n’t hurt th?ir f??ling?), it’? kind t? let them know.Here’s ??ur five-part f?rmul? f?r ???ing n? with?ut th? guilt that ?ll?g?dl? comes with it:St?rt with a ??m?lim?nt if ?n? fit? th? situation.Give your ?n?w?r.Say thank ??u.Encourage th? ??r??n.Ch?ng? th? ?ubj??t or ?x?u?? ??ur??lf (V?r? im??rt?nt).All th? w?? thr?ugh from step ?n? t? fiv? … keep ??ur d?m??n?ur light, and, of ??ur??, smile. A smile says “N? h?rd f??ling?.”A G?n?r?l Example:“Y?u’r? so kind to think ?f m? t? help ?ut with th? fund raising f?r the kid’? ??h??l, Yvonne. Daniel and I ?gr??d th?t w?’r? each only ??mmitting t? ?n? ??tivit? thi? year in ?rd?r to ???nd more tim? with th? kids and ?n our marriage. I’ve already started my new blog. Thank you f?r ??king. I kn?w ??u’ll pull t?g?th?r a gr??t gr?u?. S? h?w ?r? th? kids d?ing th??? d????”H?r?’? ?n Ex?m?l? for When a C?-w?rk?r W?nt? You t? D? S?m?thing:“Y?u w?r? kind t? think ?f me as ??m??n? ??u feel i? a g??d fit to h?l? ??u, Chri?. I’m not able t? now b???u?? th? third ?u?rt?r ?r?j??ti?n reports need my full attention ?nd will for the n?xt f?ur or fiv? days. Th?nk? th?ugh, and I know ??u’ll g?t ?v?r?thing d?n? in g??d ?rd?r. You ?lw??? do. I think w?’r? ?ll f??ling und?r pressure with th? deadlines ?? ?l???.”Here’s an Example f?r Wh?n S?m??n? Drops B? ?nd Y?u’r? Bu?? ?r Ju?t Don’t Want t? Ent?rt?in An??n?:G??d m?nn?r? don’t mean ??u h?v? t? welcome uninvit?d vi?it?r? into ??ur h?m?. Wh?n you g? t? th? door, tr? ???ing something lik?: “H?ll?, K?r?n! I lik? ??ur n??kl???. (Note: Only ??m?lim?nt h?r necklace if ??u trul? like it.) I’m ??rr? I ??n’t invite ??u in n?w. I h?v? ?th?r thing? th?t n??d m? attention. (Note: In thi? ???? the thing th?t n??d? ??ur ?tt?nti?n i? the n?v?l ??u’r? r??ding. You’re ju?t g?tting t? th? ??rt wh?r? ??u find ?ut whi?h of th? twins i? th? “good” ?n? and whi?h ?n? i? the murderer.) If ??u w?nt to giv? me a ??ll t?m?rr?w, we’ll set ??m?thing u?! Th?nk ??u. I really love that n??kl???”H?r?’? ?n Ex?m?l? f?r Wh?n Someone W?nt? Fr?? Advice:“Th?nk? f?r r?m?mb?ring that I’m an ????unt?nt, T?l?r. I d?n’t like to giv? advice outside th? office. I’m in “h?m?” m?d? and might mi??u?t?. I’d b? h???? t? m??t you at m? ?ffi??. H?r?’? m? ??rd. My website h?? m? h?ur?, f???, ?nd a list ?f everything you’ll n??d t? bring with ??u to ?ur first m??ting. Giv? m? a ??ll, and we’ll set u? a tim? that’s convenient f?r ??u.”M?nti?ning that your f??? are ?n your w?b?it? l?t? the person kn?w th?t ??u’r? n?t considering giving fr?? ?dvi??.Th?r?’? m?r? advice for saying no in thi? bl?g ???t: S??ing N? t? Bu?ing Fundraising It?m?.Y?u might notice th?t th?r? are n? ???l?gi?? in any of the ?b?v? ?x?m?l??. Th?t’? because ??u h?v? n? r????n t? ???l?giz?.Y?u didn’t d? ?n?thing wr?ng.III. Wh?t If th? Person W?n’t T?k? ‘No’ f?r ?n An?w?r and tries t? make ??u feel bad?We will ??ll th?m “bullies” b???u?? th?t’? ?x??tl? what th?? are.An??n? wh? d???n’t r?????t ??ur ??? ?r ??ur no to the point wh?r? they thr??t?n, cajole, twist ??ur ?rm, ?r make you f??l guilt? i? a bully.H?r?’? what t? keep in mind and wh?t t? say when someone i? tr?ing t? bully a Yes fr?m y?u:Repeat th? r????n ??u g?v? in th? fir?t ?l??? f?r ???ing n?. Example: “D?ni?l ?nd I ?gr??d th?t w?’r? ?nl? ??mmitting to one ?xtr? activity thi? ???r, ?nd ?ur time i? ?lr??d? ???k?n f?r. I keep m? ?r?mi??? t? m???lf the ??m? w?? I w?uld to ??u. I d? wi?h ??u luck.”Y?u’ll n?ti?? th?t I added the ??rt about k???ing your promises. Th?t ?h?uld throw th?m a v?rb?l fast b?ll that they’re not g?ing to h?v? a pat comeback for.   At thi? point, you can ?ith?r change th? ?ubj??t or ???, “If ??u’ll ?x?u?? m?, Yvonne, I need t? g? g?t….”But if th? r??u??t something you would consider ?t ?n?th?r tim?, t?ll th?m. “A? I ??id, it w?uldn’t b? ????ibl? f?r m? t? give ??u a h?nd for the n?xt f?ur or fiv? d???, but if ??u n??d m ? th?n, I’ll have a f?w h?ur? in th? ?ft?rn??n? th?t I ??n ?ff?r until you’re fini?h?d.”S?m? ?dditi?n?l short ?nd sweet ??mm?nt?:“It wouldn’t b? right f?r me.”“With m? ??h?dul?, I’d b? unreliable, ?nd I w?n’t let myself b? that.”“M? f?mil? w?uld b? disappointed in m? if I t??k ?n another obligation.”“Teach ??ur children/teens t? ??? something ?l?ng th??? lin??: “M? M?m would di? if I did th?t!” ?r “M? parents and I agreed that’s ??m?thing I wouldn’t do”.If you kn?w ?th?r? who might b? th? ??rf??t ??ndid?t? t? do th? f?v?ur ??u’r? h?ving t? decline, ??u ??n mention that.Maybe th?ir children are n?w t? th? ??h??l ?nd th? m?m ?nd dad might ?nj?? meeting ??m? ?f the other ??r?nt?. M??b? th? n?w hir?? would l?v? the chance to ?x??nd th?ir skill ??t?.Or maybe ??u kn?w a mom wh? w?uld lik? to exchange ??m? b?b??itting tim?. If ??, t?ll th??? who are ??king for ??ur h?l? th?t ??u’ll ???? along th? inf?rm?ti?n ?nd h?v? th? others ??nt??t them. (M?k? ?ur? n?t to give ?ut people’s names ?r contact inf?rm?ti?n with?ut ????king t? th?m fir?t.)Y?u might be th? h?rd??t working member ?n th? team, but th?r?’? no need to r?mind ?n??n? about it.Th?t would ??m? off ??unding lik? b???ting ?r ????iv?-?ggr???iv? ??m?l?ining about ?v?r??n? else’s w?rk ?thi?.Just let your yes b? ??? ?nd ??ur n? b? n? wh?n ??k?d t? ?it?h in. And h?l? when you’re ?bl?.Wh?n ??u’r? fini?h?d, ??u’ll be h???? ??u did, b???u?? n? ?n? ??n bring th?t ????i?l spark t? th? ??tivit? lik? you can!If ??u r??ll? w?nt t? ??hi?v? the ‘n?’, here’s how t? do it effectivelyS?? it.  Dont beat ?r?und th? bu?h ?r offer weak ?x?u??? ?r hem ?nd haw. Thi? ?nl? provides ?n ???ning f?r th? ?th?r ??r??n. Dont d?l?? ?r stall ?ith?r. Pr?vid? a bri?f ?x?l?n?ti?n if ??u feel you need t?; however, d?nt feel compelled. Th? l??? ??id the b?tt?r.Be assertive ?nd ??urt??u?.  You might ???, Im ??rr? I ??nt right now but will l?t ??u kn?w when and if I ??n. Thi? approach i? ??lit? , ?nd puts you in a position ?f power b? ?h?nging th? d?n?mi?. Youre t?king ?h?rg?, t?lling people youll let them kn?w wh?n ?nd if you ??n. An?th?r ?x?m?l?, I ???r??i?t? ??ur ??king m? for h?l?, but Im ?tr?t?h?d t?? thin right n?w to devote the time to b? ?f ?u?lit? h?l? t? you.Und?r?t?nd ????l?? t??ti??.  M?n? ????l? ?nd ?rg?niz?ti?n? use manipulation techniques, wh?th?r knowingly ?r n?t. F?r example, think about wh?n ??u g?t a solicitation f?r a donation to a charity and th?r? ?r? forced ??ti?n?: W?uld ??u like t? d?n?t? $10, $20, $30, ?r X ?m?unt? An?th?r tactic: M??t people d?n?t? $20how mu?h w?uld ??u lik? t? d?n?t?? This relies on social ?r???ur?.Set boundaries.  P???l? ??m?tim?? h?v? a h?rd time ???ing no b???u?? th?? havent t?k?n th? time t? ?v?lu?t? their relationships ?nd und?r?t?nd th?ir role within the r?l?ti?n?hi?. When you trul? und?r?t?nd th? d?n?mi? and ??ur r?l?, ??u w?nt f??l ?? w?rri?d about the consequences ?f ???ing n?. Y?ull r??liz? th?t ??ur relationship is so lid ?nd ??n withstand ??ur ???ing n?.Put the ?u??ti?n b??k ?n the ??r??n ??king.  This is highl? effective in a w?rk situation. L?t? ??? a ?u??rvi??r i? ??king you to t?k? ?n ??v?r?l t??k?m?r? th?n you ??n handle. You might ???, Im happy t? d? X, Y, ?nd Z; however, I w?uld need three w??k?, r?th?r th?n tw?, t? d? a g??d job. H?w would ??u lik? me t? ?ri?ritiz? th?m?B? firm.  If ??m??n? cant ?????t ??ur n?, th?n ??u know th? person i? ?r?b?bl? not a tru? fri?nd ?r doesnt r?????t you. Stand firm, ?nd dont feel compelled to giv? in ju?t because that ??r??n i? un??mf?rt?bl?.B? ??lfi?h.  Put ??ur n??d? fir?t. N?t th??? of th? ??r??n asking you f?r ??m?thing. If ??u prioritize th?t ??r??n? n??d? over ??ur?, youll find ??ur productivity will suffer and r???ntm?nt will m?unt. P?rh??? w? can l??rn from W?rr?n Buff?tt, who ??id, Th? difference b?tw??n successful people ?nd very successful ????l? is th?t v?r? ?u?????ful ????l? ??? n? to ?lm??t ?v?r?thing.25 FUNNY W??? T? S?? NO ?ND TH?? ?R? ?F F??TIV? T?? But th?r? ?r? ?t??? t? it. W?’v? already t?lk?d ?b?ut it ?b?v?, but here’s h?w it plays ?ut.St?? One: Prepare ??ur??lf t? ??? “NO.”It i? much easier to ??? no t? an invit?ti?n wh?n we have a concrete r????n for d?ing ??â€"? w?? to justify our r?fu??l beyond th? vague notion th?t w? ?h?uld ?v?id th? ??mmitm?nt in question.This means th?t w? n??d t? ?r??t? th? r????n for saying no b?f?r? we n??d itâ€"w? need a d??i?i?n m?king ?tru?tur?, ?r “rules” t? guid? u? ?? that w? don’t h?v? t? agonize ?v?r every invitation.F?r ?x?m?l?, ?n? rule I have f?r m???lf is th?t I don’t go ?ut m?r? th?n two night? in a giv?n w??k, because I kn?w th?t wh?n I do thi?, I ??n’t meet u? with m? writing d??dlin?? and when I d?n’t m??t u?, I h?v? to apologize ?nd wh?n d? that, I g?t r??ll? ?r?nk?, ?nn???d, ?nd run d?wn.S? if ??m??n? ??k? m? ?b?ut a third evening one week, I have th? structure I n??d to t?ll th?m I’m n?t ?v?il?bl? (but th?nk ??u f?r asking!).St?? Two: S?? ‘NO ’It i? in?r?dibl? h?l?ful t? h?v? go-to w??? t? ju?t ??? n?. I u?? the “I’m ?lr??d? booked” strategy, b???u?? th?t is most ?ft?n th? r????n I can’t d? ??m?thing. H?r? are ??m? ?th?r 25 funn? tactics t? say NOV?gu? but ?ff??tiv?: “Th?nk ??u f?r ??king, but that i?n’t g?ing to work out f?r me.” Thi? i? v?gu?, but v?r? ?ff??tiv?. It m??t ?ft?n leaves th? person ?tunn?d. It? ?ui?t funn?, but only t? you.Firm ?nd d??i?iv? “l?t’? n?t do th?t”: L?t’? n?t d? th?t now. I’m ju?t n?t in th? m??d.It’? not ??r??n?l: “Thank ??u for asking, but I’m n?t d?ing any interviews while I’m writing my b??k.”It? r??ll? n?ting ??r??n?l.A?k me l?t?r: “I want to d? th?t, but I’m n?t ?v?il?bl? until April. Will ??u ??k m? again then?” I am ?ur? I’ll be ?bl? t? ?queeze out tim? f?r you.L?t m? h??k you u?: “I can’t d? it, but I’ll b?t Sh?ll? ??n. I’ll ask h?r f?r you.” Thi? you r??ll? being ni??, especially when ??u are ?r?tt? ?ur? Sh?ll? w?uldn’t b? up for it.K??? trying: “None ?f th??? d?t?? w?rk f?r me, but I w?uld l?v? t? see ??u. S?nd m? some more dates.”Tr? me l??t minut?: “I can’t ?ut anything ?l?? ?n m? ??l?nd?r thi? m?nth, but I’d l?v? t? d? that with ??u ??m?tim?. Will ??u call me right before ??u g? ?g?in?” m??b? I’ll be fr?? th?n. Th?nk? for understandingGr?titud?: “Th?nk ??u ?? much for ??ur enthusiasm and ?u???rt! I’m ??rr? I’m not ?bl? t? help you at thi? tim?.”It? ju?t b?d timing but th?nk you.Give D?d a ?h?n??: “You know, I f??l lik? m?m? ?r? ?lw??? g?tting t? do the holiday ??rti?? at school. Let’s ??k D?d if h? wants t? help this ???r.”No ??n d?: sorry br?, but n? can d?. M??b? wh?n I’m l??? bu??.5-minut? favour: “I can’t ????k at ??ur ?v?nt, but I will help ??u ?r?m?t? it on m? bl?g.”Just N?: “Th?nk?, I’ll have t? ???? ?n th?t.” (Say it, then ?hut up.)Gr??i?u?: “I r??ll? appreciate you ??king me, but m? tim? is ?lr??d? committed.”I’m S?rr?: “I wish I could, but it†™s just n?t g?ing to w?rk right now.”It’s S?m??n? El??’? Decision: “I ?r?mi??d m? ????h (th?r??i?t, hu?b?nd, etc.) I w?uldn’t t?k? ?n ?n? more projects right n?w. I’m working on creating more balance in m? lif?.” I know ??u und?r?t?nd wh?t I m??n. Gl?d ??u und?r?t?ndM? F?mil? i? th? R????n: “Th?nk? ?? mu?h for th? invit?, th?t’? th? d?? ?f my ??n’? ?????r g?m?, ?nd I n?v?r miss th???.” M??b? n?xt tim?.I Kn?w Someone El??: “I just don’t h?v? tim? right now. Let m? recommend someone wh? m?? b? able to h?l? you.”I’m Already Booked: “I ???r??i?t? ??u thinking of m?, but I’m afraid I’m ?lr??d? b??k?d th?t d??.”S?tting Boundaries: “Let m? t?ll you what I ??n d?…” Then limit the ??mmitm?nt to wh?t will be ??mf?rt?bl? for you.Not N?, But Not Y??: my ?ll tim? favourite. “L?t m? think ?b?ut it, ?nd I’ll g?t b??k t? ??u.Say n?thing: “N?t all r??u??t? r??uir? ?n ?n?w?r. It feels rud? t? ign?r? a r??u??t, but sometimes it’? th? best w?? f?r eve ryone to ??v? f??? and time.” Ex?m?l?, “h?? J?hn, h??? ??u w?uld ?tt?nd my ??rt? tonight”. J?hn: *l?ugh?* and ???? noting.Let it all h?ng ?ut: “R???ntl? my daughter g?t injur?d in g?m class. It was a week ?f vi?it? t? th? ER, the ??n?u??i?n ?lini?, specialists, ?t?. I ??nt m?k? it t? your ??rt? but ill b? gl?d if ??u ??m? h?ng ?t the h???it?l with m?”. I’m pretty ?ur? th?? are g?ing t? m?k? u? excuses as ?t to wh? th?? ??n n?t. Th?? w?uld also r??u??t less fr?m ??u.I’m “maxed ?ut”: “W? n??d a ‘??f?t? word’ for ???ing n?â€"?n ???? way t? t?ll ????l? th?t w? ??n’t ?r won’t d? the thing they ?r? r??u??ting, but th?t it’? n?t personal. Just say you ?r? m?x?d out and ?ll?w them g?t th? gi?t.Wh?, H?v?n? NO: this way should b? funn? too. I’m sure the ??r??n didn’t ??? it ??ming. In f??t, it w?uld ??m? ?? a ?h??k, th?? w?uldn’t ask ?g?in.I can’t ?n? more, I h?d m? ?tu?idit? ?m?ut?t?d l??t w??k: this could ??m? off ?? rude but still a bit funny t? you an yways. Ju?t ??u.St?? 3: Don’t look b??kPlenty ?f research ?ugg??t? th?t when we m?k? a decision in a w?? that ?ll?w? us to ?h?ng? our mind? l?t?r, we t?nd to be a l?t l??? happy with th? decisions th?t w? m?k?.S? ?n?? we d??lin? an invitation, w? n??d t? make ?n ?ff?rt to focus ?n th? good th?t will ??m? fr?m ???ing n?, n?t th? regret ?r guilt w? feel about turning d?wn an ?ff?r.Perhaps w? will b? better rested because w? didn’t g? to a party, ?r w?’ll f??l less resentful because we l?t ??m??n? ?l?? h?l? out.M??b? saying no to one thing frees u? tim? f?r another (more j??ful) activity. Whatever th? ???? m?? be, f??u? on the ???itiv? outcome ?f ??ur effort t? giv? g??d n?.Because th?t i? what ?ll thi? ???ing n? i? really about: All?wing ?ur??lv?? t? really ?nj?? wh?t we ?r? doing in th? moment, wh?t?v?r th?t might be.S?M? ?R??TI??L ?X?M?L?? ?F HOW ?ND WH? IT IS IM??RT?NT T? ??? NOa) S??ing N? f?r th? Sake ?f Your W?ll?tR??u??t: A fri?nd in need asks f?r a Trump-worthy loan.Wh?t you ?h?uld say: I wi?h I ??uld, but as a rul?, I d?nt l?nd m?n?? t? fri?nd?.Wh? it w?rk?: Its ?l??r th?t ??u are n?t ?ingling ?ut thi? ??r??n ?? untru?tw?rth?.Wh? ??u ?h?uldnt f??l guilt?: Lending ?n? amount ?f m?n?? can ??u?? ?r?bl?m?, says communications tr?in?r D?n G?b?r. It can change the n?tur? ?f your r?l?ti?n?hi? if the person d???nt ??? ??u b??k.H?w t? ?v?id th? ?itu?ti?n in th? futur?: N?v?r l?nd m?n?? t? fri?nd? ?nd ??u w?nt g?t a reputation as a w?lking, br??thing ATM.R??u??t: A ??-w?rk?r w?nt? ??u t? ?hi? in $25 for a gift for a colleague ??u w?uldnt r???gniz? at the w?t?r ???l?r.Wh?t ??u ?h?uld ???: Oh, Iv? n?v?r r??ll? h?d a conversation with S?m. I think Ill just wi?h him a h???? birthd?? in person.Why it works: Ch?n??? ?r?, th? ??r??n t?king d?n?ti?n? h?? n? id?? how close ??u are (?r ?r? n?t) with the intended r??i?i?nt. B? clarifying th? n?tur? ?f ??ur r?l?ti?n?hi???nd emphasizing your int?nti?n to get t? know th? person b?tt?r???u ??m? ??r??? ?? th?ughtful r?th?r than ?h???.Wh? you ?h?uldnt f??l guilty: A gift isnt a gift if it? ?n ?blig?ti?n, ??? ?ti?u?tt? writers Kim Izz? ?nd C?ri M?r?h.How t? ?v?id the situation in th? futur?: If workplace gift giving i? getting ?ut of hand, t?k? th? lead in r??t?ring sanity b? circulating a ??rd before someone can break ?ut th? gift-d?n?ti?n ?l?t?. M?k? ?ur? others kn?w you d?nt expect ?n?thing on ??ur birthday.R??u??t: Y?ur third ??u?in asks to bring h?r boyfriend-of-the-month to ??ur $150-a-plate w?dding r????ti?n.Wh?t you should ???: W?v? ?lr??d? h?d t? make ?? many t?ugh d??i?i?n? to g?t th? gu??t li?t down t? size. We r??ll? cant squeeze in/?ff?rd another gu??t. But I w?uld love to h?v? ??u two ?v?r for drink? sometime ?? I ??n m??t him.Wh? it works: If ??u illuminate ??m? ?f your b?hind-th?-???n?? planning, your ??u?in m?? g?t a ?lu? ?b?ut th? in???r??ri?t?n??? of the r??u??t.Wh? ??u ?h?uldnt f??l guilt?: Its ??ur ??rt? and ??ur ???k?tb??k, says ?uth?r P?tti Br?itm?n.How t? avoid th? ?itu?ti?n in th? futur?: M?k? a f?w calls b?f?r? ??u put together the guest li?t t? see if th?r? ?r? n?w ?dditi?n? ??u should ??n?id?r as ??u ?l?n.b) Saying No f?r the S?k? ?f Y?ur TimeR??u??t: You ?r? ?ff?r?d a promotion th?t you d?nt want. Even th?ugh it m??n? more m?n??, it d?m?nd? m?r? h?ur? ?nd more ?f wh?t your boss ??ll? responsibility and you ??ll t?dium.What you ?h?uld say: Im fl?tt?r?d th?t you w?nt me, but f?r personal reasons Im n?t in a ?itu?ti?n where I ??n t?k? this ?n. P?rh??? in a ???r fr?m now thing? will be diff?r?nt. C?n we t?lk ?g?in if my circumstances change?Wh? it works: If youre ??ught in thi? enviable dil?mm?, your boss will und?r?t?nd ??u have ??r??n?l priorities that take precedence.Wh? ??u ?h?uldnt f??l guilt?: B? ???ing no to m?r? tim? ?t the office, ??ur? ???ing ??? t? ?th?r thing? ??u ?h?ri?h, b? th?? l?ng w?lk? ?l?n? ?t ?un??t or evening time with ??ur ?hildr?n.H?w t? ?v?id th? ?itu?ti?n in the future: If a ???iti?n ???n? up ?t ??ur w?rk?l???, ??u ??uld l?t it be kn?wn th?t you are n?t in the running, Breitman ?ugg??t?. B?ing forthright ??v?? your m?n?g?r the trouble ?f ?ur?uing a ??ndid?t? wh? i?nt int?r??t?d.Request: You ?r? ??k?d to ???rdin?t? th? b?k? sale?again?at your ?hild? school.Wh?t you ?h?uld ???: I know Im g?ing to disappoint you, but Iv? d??id?d n?t t? volunteer this ???r, b???u?? I f??r Ill end u? f??ling resentful. I? there any w?? to g?t some ?f th? ?th?r parents t? step up?Wh? it works: Oft?n ????l? f??l manipulated into d?ing ??m?thing (Th? i?? ?r??m social ju?t w?nt h????n with?ut your h?l?!). If ??u ??n ?ddr??? th? problematic ??tt?rn ?f ?n? ??r??n? doing ?ll th? work, ??u ?id??t?? th? manipulation. And if ??u ??? n?, it might f?r?? ?th?r? (wh? n?v?r g?t asked) to ??? ???.Wh? you ?h?uldnt feel guilty: Youve done your fair ?h?r?, and n?w ?th?r? ??n do thi? j?b, says R?bin??n.H?w t? ?v?id the situation in the futur?: En??ur?g? school l??d?r? t? ?r???nt th? problem t? ?ll th? ??r?nt?, ???? Robinson. If people kn?w an im??rt ?nt program m?? f?il, theyll u?u?ll? remedy the situation.R??u??t: Y?ur? invited to a distant r?l?tiv?? ?nnu?l L?b?t?r Lu?u?f?r the 14th ???r in a row.Wh?t you ?h?uld say: Iv? really h?d fun in the ???t, but I ??nt make it this year. Th?t w??k i? ?lr??d? ???k?d f?r m?.Why it works: Y?uv? ?x?l?in?d it in a w?? that d???nt sound lik? a ??r??n?l r?j??ti?n, ???? R?bin??n. And ??uv? ??k?d f?r und?r?t?nding, based ?n ??ur n??d t? t?k? ?tr??? out of your ??h?dul?. Ev?r??n? ??n id?ntif? with th?t.Wh? ??u ?h?uldnt f??l guilt?: You h?v? only ?? mu?h free tim???nd ?? mu?h t?l?r?n?? f?r fl?ing lobster g??. D?nt R.S.V.P. ???, then b??k out at the l??t minut? ?r, w?r??, not ?h?w up at ?ll, ??? Izz? ?nd M?r?h. That i? th? l???t d???r?u? way of handling th? invit?.H?w t? ?v?id the situation in the futur?: In a n?t?, th?nk th? r?l?tiv? f?r thinking ?f ??u ?nd explain that b???u?? ??u t?nd t? be bu?? ?t this tim? of ???r, h? ?h?uld f??l fr?? t? t?k? ??u ?ff hi? invit? list.R??u??t: Y?ur b??? asks ??u t? supervise thi? ?????n? int?rn?l??t ???n with her feet u? on a desk, iP?d ?n, Gameboy in h?nd.What ??u ?h?uld ???: Wow, th?t? an interesting ?r?j??t. Im r??ll? busy with the ABC ???ignm?nt right now, so l?t m? kn?w if ??u want m? to r?-?ri?ritiz?.Wh? it w?rk?: A?king ??ur b??? t? ?ri?ritiz? t??k? f?r ??u m??n? you d?nt have t? actually say th? n? word, Breitman ????. If ?h? tells ??u to just squeeze the new task in, then do it. But k??? a list ?f ?ll th? ?xtr? w?rk ??uv? d?n??f?r ??ur n?xt r?vi?w.Why you shouldnt feel guilt?: You r??ll? do h?v? ?n?ugh w?rk to d? ?? it i?.H?w to avoid th? ?itu?ti?n in th? future: If ?xtr? t??k? k??? g?tting dum??d ?n your d??k, ??k your b??? for a m??ting. Ex?l?in that the ?dd?d ???ignm?nt? ?r? m?king it h?rd t? do ??ur ?rim?r? job properly. A?k if she w?nt? t? review ??ur job d???ri?ti?n (?nd r?n?g?ti?t? ??ur ??l?r? whil? ?h?? at it).c) S??ing No f?r th? S?k? ?f Your SanityR??u??t: A friend ??k? t? b?rr?w ??ur ??r (because hers i? in the ?h?? to r???ir th? d?nt ?h? g?t whil? driving, t?lking ?n h?r ??ll phone, ?nd unwr???ing her kids juice-box ?tr?w).What ??u ?h?uld ???: I d?nt l?nd anything worth m?r? th?n $1,000. Tr? to avoid the old I d?nt have insurance for a n?n-f?mil? member excuse?most in?ur?n?? ??li?i?? ??v?r th? ??r, n?t specific driv?r?. (If your friend g?t int? ?n ???id?nt, it ??uld m?k? ??ur premium go u?, though.) If ??u h?v? tim?, offer h?r a ride instead.Why it w?rk?: It ?ut? the blame ?n you, ?x?l?in? ?uth?r P?tti Breitman. Ju?t d?nt indicate you d?nt tru?t the friend.Wh? ??u shouldnt f??l guilty: Y?ur ??r is probably the fir?t ?r second m??t v?lu?bl? thing you ?wn, says Br?itm?n. Y?ur? ?r?t??ting a big fin?n?i?l ????t. Plu?, if ??ur fri?nd were t? get into ?n ???id?nt, ??ur r?l?ti?n?hi? might be t?t?ll?d, too.H?w to avoid th? ?itu?ti?n in the futur?: Let ??ur friends kn?w th?t while youre typically a generous lender (Of ??ur?? ??u can borrow m? ?n?rk?lling g??r!), ??ur ??r is ?ff-limit?.R??u??t: A guest ?ff ?r? t? bring h?r seven-layer di? to your ??rt?. It doesn’t really g? with th? Gr??k th?m? you h?v? ?l?nn?d.Wh?t you ?h?uld say: Wh?t a kind ?ff?r?th?nk ??u. I h?v? already ?l?nn?d th? m?nu, but do ??u have any di?t?r? restrictions I ?h?uld kn?w ?b?ut? If ?h?? ju?t ??king t? b? ni?? ?nd in?i?t? ?n bringing ??m?thing, ?ugg??t a bottle ?f wine ?r a loaf ?f br??d.Wh? it works: By ??kn?wl?dging th? g?n?r??it? ?f th? offer, ??u let th?t person kn?w she did all ?h? could. Of course, if th? ??r??n has dietary r??tri?ti?n? th?t m?k? ???king difficult for ??u, relent ?nd let h?r bring a di?h ?h? can ??t.Why you ?h?uldnt f??l guilt?: Th? person is m??t likely ?ff?ring just t? be courteous. B? ???ing no, you giv? h?r li??n?? t? r?l?x ?nd ?nj?? ??ur h???it?lit?.How t? avoid the situation in the futur?: When ??u invit? ????l?, ??k if there i? anything th?? d?n’t ??t, b???u?? you w?nt to make ?ur? your m?nu w?rk? f?r ?v?r??n?. Emphasize the word menu, so ????l? kn?w that ??u h?v? a ?l?n ?r a t heme f?r th? meal (?nd ?? th?? won’t tr? t? u???t it).Request: Y?ur futur? ?i?t?r-in-l?w wants t? throw ??u a ?h?w?r, but ??u don’t w?nt th? fu??.Wh?t you should say: I r??ll? d?nt want a ??rt?, but thank ??u ?? much f?r ?ff?ring. Why dont we ??lurg? ?n a visit to a d?? ??? in?t??d?Wh? it works: Not everyone lik?? a ??rt? in h?r h?n?ur ?r w?nt? to be th? centre ?f ?tt?nti?n with a ????r plate ?f bows ?n h?r head, say etiquette writ?r? Kim Izz? ?nd Ceri M?r?h. Unless ?h? h?? her ?wn agenda, ?h? ?h?uld und?r?t?nd.Wh? you shouldnt f??l guilt?: If ??u d??lin?, you ?r? t?king ?w?? ??m? pleasure fr?m the ????l? wh? ??r? ?b?ut ??u, but it i? your ?????i?n to ?h?ut ?b?ut ?r b? ?ui?t ?b?ut, ??? Izz? ?nd M?r?h.H?w t? ?v?id th? ?itu?ti?n in th? future: Ann?un?? what you w?uld ?r?f?r t? d? instead of a ?h?w?r b?f?r? anyone ?ff?r? t? throw ?n?.